Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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