mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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