i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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