i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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