i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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