I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize