I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
