At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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