im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
