just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
