She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
