All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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