tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
