Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
