I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
