So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
