also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize