would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
