Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
