You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I am available for nakedness
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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