You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
