Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
