There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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