Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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