I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
