So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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