come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
