I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your penis caused this!
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