Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
