I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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