I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
