Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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