Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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