My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
