There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
