remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
