Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
