Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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