i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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