those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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