Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
