I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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