I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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