Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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