He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
