If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
