Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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