Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize