Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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