You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
