I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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