I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
