I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
