I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
