Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
