she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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