I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
