so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
