OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
