How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
