He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize