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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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