After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
