I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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