you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
