she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
