You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
