It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Couch. On fire.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
