I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
