How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
