My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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