i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
